Blog is Complete

This blog was used as part of my reflections and thoughts during my internship with Lifeline Chaplaincy. So now, its just a source of archived information, of a major part of my spiritual formation.
Steve

Still learning

It is the day before my last day here at Lifeline. I went to MDA to do a few visits, and still learn something new everyday. Let me share a couple of things that happened:
I was reminded of the mortality and realness of the diseases that are alive there at MDA. I have walked by the vending machines and even in the elevator, and looked down to see balls of hair. Any other place, you would be disgusted, or question as to why it's there. But I looked down, and thought that someone is really in pain. Not because of their looks or the disease, but the total wall that has been thrown into their lives, that is trying to be knocked down, in order to move forward at all. Disrupted is the perfect word. But some others I have come to hate are:
Uprooted, abnormal, unwanted, undesirable, ugly, different, small, invaluable, property, results, tests, visits, rounds, gloves and mask, isolation. Christ set forth an excellent picture, when he reached out to touch the leper, before healing him. To love him as he was, all adjectives you could think of, and more. He loved him to the point of healing. That is powerful.
I was walking across the street towards Texas Childrens and heard the sound of the helicopter above me. Hovering the tops of the buildings. I was drawn to the sound, and just wanted to find it, and see it and watch it. But as I noticed a girl and her daddy watching as well, the yellow chopper flew overhead in plain sight, and off in the distance. Emotions came over me that I have not felt before. Realizing this means of transportation, and fascination, just delivered someone that was so ill or in so much need of medical help, that it would not be quick enough to bring them via ambulance. And just like the girl, there may be some family member wondering where their loved one has been taken. Who has them now? Will they be ok? Who will take care of them? Will they come back? A moment in time just stopped. There could have been a parade down the street and I would have missed it. But I walked on.
I went to the lobby to find the floor of this girl. As she spoke out the floor number, it was 4th floor.... I interrupted, is that the NICU... oh no... And she proceeded with the details.
It sure is tough revisiting those things in the past. I don't like being there. I don't like thinking about those moments and the pain and the distress and loss. But as I stood there, looking out the same window I did when I called my friend Joe to tell him of the news, I acknowledged God and His faithfulness. Yes, even in those times, God was there. Just as He is there for the babies laying on the same floor. Just as he is with the families in the waiting rooms, driving back and forth from their jobs, spending as much time at home with the other kids, and being back at the NICU with their sick child. Hoping the nurses know what they are doing. Trusting in good education with the life of their child. But God is faithful. He is with us. Do not be afraid.

Some things I learned my last day of visits. I'm going to miss these awful times of education.

Something to think about

I've been thinking about a few things the last few days, and thought you'd like to share the thoughts. Or just read about them, you don't have to share anything.

Yesterday I went to visit the lady I wrote about last week, where I just held her hands as she tried to struggle for breath. Well, she passed away last Thursday. And instead of writing about how many people have died and publish that on the nightly news, I'll just say, someone I was able to befriend has gone on to meet our Lord. She touched my life in a new way that day, concerned about past sins and the unknown of her decisions in the hospital or this new diagnosis. But it also brought about point #7 that it is never to late to love God. I was excited to hear her confess she had not lived the perfect life. And now, she laid there in the bed, and wanted so much to be made right before God. And I believe she was. It doesn't matter what time of day we are called to come work the fields for the Lord, we will receive the same reward. I was not angry that she had lived a life of sin, or not been to church, or not .... whatever, I was happy she was coming home.
There was something else that happened these last few days, and it pertains to receiving news you wish you didn't have to receive. Have you ever been there? Knowing something that would just be better if you didn't know? Well, on my way to work this morning, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with this, and it went something like this:
God........ grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. (part of the serenity prayer) I can't handle this right now, Lord. I don't want this, and don't know what to do with it. So God, I give it back to you. I want you to take this burden from me. I cannot own it. I won't own it. I am bringing it to you, and laying it at the foot of the Cross. And Lord, if you decide I need to have it back, please Lord give it to me in a manner in which I am able to use it and glorify your name. But for now, give me strength to let it go, and take it from me. Because I really want to hold on to it. God help me to hold on to you. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Have you ever prayed that? Or wanted to, with some news or circumstances or situations or relationships you have today? Not sure of what to do... me too. Today I decided to try something new, and let it go. And lay my burden down before Jesus. Do we just say it, or can we actually do it?

And from the dumbest things you could say category: I was talking to a patient and the doctor came in. We had just been talking about how they may get to go home today, so when I saw her I thought to myself, oh good she's coming to release them, but what I said outloud was,
"I'll step out. She may have some good news for you... or not" D'OH!!!!!! Yeah, I really said or not. Oh man.

What does preaching look like?

Something I jotted down, that amazed me:

Being an evangelist or disciple or bringing others to Christ, is not just about saying come to my church, or believe what i believe. We need to be out there caring for those who are lost, and being the hands of Jesus. For that is how people feel loved into the body of Christ.

Walk away

This week was a good week, as I learned quite a lot about myself, and what this ministry to others is all about. Early this week I shared some info about a listening video I was watching and story telling, but also this week, a friend of mine, well, here's the story:

I was making my rounds Tuesday, and finishing up on my visits for the day. I wanted to stop by a friends room and check on her. I knew she was not doing well, and from our previous talk a few weeks ago, she knew her time on earth was numbered. She was alone when I saw her and didn't have much family around. On my first visit, her door was open, and she was eager to have anyone walk by so she could call them in and visit, and just talk. As I entered her room, the nurse got up to allow me my time. After my visit, I realized she had probably been there long enough, caught up in conversation, and unable to find the point in time to excuse herself. For this friend of mine needed company. Well, as I wondered the hall Tuesday looking for her room, I stopped at the desk to inquire of the nurse where the room number for this particular lady was.
She looked at me, and said "Oh, she expired."
Literally, I said out loud, "hmm. this morning? yesterday?"
"i'm not sure" she said (of course, its not really information you can just give out)
But from the census that morning, she was still alive, so it must have occurred that morning.
I said thank you, and began my walk to the elevator. Wondering why in the world I felt what I did. A sudden loss. In my short time here, this was the second person I had visited that had passed away. And how or why that affects me, is because I enjoyed the visits I had, and was encouraged when I left their rooms. They meant something to me. The words or facial expressions they shared, impacted my day, and my thoughts, and helped me sort out some of my own feelings. So it's as if I lost a teacher that day. Our previous talk ended with, "come by and see me again." Not much to say after that, I don't feel the burden of guilt taking over, nor do I feel like I let her down... but I do. Because I wanted to pray with her again. But my heart rejoices in the life she has now, with our Lord. In her new spirit and body, alive in Christ, without pain or medicines and able to be as ambulatory as possible.
But that doesn't stop the hurt I felt Tuesday, walking away from her floor, where the angels had just been to pick her up for her life eternal.
Another man I had visited previously, I was also able to see again. We had a long talk about life and the future we have. But the main lesson I learned from him that day, is that sometimes God gives us tools today, to be used for tomorrow. Here I am in my job in computers, and God gives me a screwdriver. And I say, what is this for God? I don't need a screwdriver. But I hold on to it. And find myself directed toward this ministry of helping those in need. And the computer time is gone and the screwdrivers purpose is seen. Then God gives me a hammer. And I say, what do I need a hammer for Lord? This is useless right now. And then the storm of the century comes along, and you find yourself out there helping rebuild lives.
God is equipping us with tools and experiences today for the work he has planned for us tomorrow. And sometimes those tools are illness and crisis. But there is a purpose to be found in those moments. Much like Solomon says in the end of Ecclesiates, the purpose is to fear God and obey his commands... and to bring him Glory and Praise through our lives. My friend told me to come back, because I was always welcome. Hmm. That meant a lot to me. It wasn't just a "i hope to see you again", it was a sincere friendship that had formed in our time together that he looked forward to our next talk.
Yesterday I was working the oncall shift at MDA, and was able to attend a rounds meeting with the other chaplain. As the team talked about patient care, it was said, it looks like we're hearing this more and more, about people needing assistance or 24 hr care.
And it hit me, we need each other. We need to know there is a friend nearby. A helping hand, someone to carry us. Someone to give to us. Someone to just hold our hand.
I also went by to check on 2 friends I met Monday in the ICU. One lady had just been repositioned by the nurses, and was out of breath, and having a hard time calming down. She was not able to talk much, per the nurse, but was glad to see me. Her life thus far had not been the reflection of Christ she had wanted (from what I can gather in some of her words in previous talks) and I wanted her to know I cared enough about her to come back and see how she was doing. She was alone. I grabbed her hand and said, you don't have to talk, I just wanted to be here with you for a moment and let you know you are not alone. Her eyes said thank you.
We held hands for a few moments, in silence. And then I asked her to pray with me. Once the prayer was over, I continued to hold her hand until her daughter and sister came back in the room. As I was waiting on my visit with her, I had noted she was on R insulin. Which probably connected me pretty well to my friend in her time of need and uncertainty about tomorrow.
I then went to visit another friend, elderly lady. Her daughter was with her, and was talked. Her husband came in the room, and met him for the first time. I said, "I came to visit your bride today" His eyes said thank you. He was very appreciative. We talked some and then I invited them in prayer, and to lift up her upcoming surgery. After I had finished, I was ready to let go of the hands, but her husband added..."Lord, thank you for Steve" and that was about all he could get out. My eyes said thank you.
There is a connection behind every door. Our lives are really not that different on the inside, its only different in how we present them on the outside. A few things I've learned this week:
1. We need the touch of each other
2. Silence in times of crisis and fear is good
3. I like hearing others pray
4. The pain we have today will be used tomorrow
5. God knows what he's doing, and what he's giving us
6. I was welcomed back to see a friend. I'm not sure what I can say about this now, but it meant a great deal to me.
7. the Holy number, I learned it is never too late to love God.

Late Friday reflection

Last Friday we discussed one of my vertbatims, therefore did not sit down to specifically write out a reflection. The verbatim itself was quite a reflection. But just so theres something scribed to reflect the reflection, here ya go. What did I learn about myself during this verbatim time?

I became easily offended, or guarded when I saw myself in the mirror of words. There was nothing specific, but as we talked about why I wrote certain things, or how they were worded, it was obvious the subconscious was rearing its ugly head to the surface. Lucky for me, I watched a video yesterday titled "Story Listening" by Dr. Savage, where he discusses some of the reasons for our stories, and why it is we continue to tell them. One of the key phrases that stuck out during that video was, "why do you keep telling the same story over and over and over? Have you learned or heard what you are trying to say yet?

So I thought about a story I had continually told over and over and over, the last few years. Why do I keep telling it, and what metaphor is there from the story, to my real life? I had a break through, however, HIPAA regulates what I can share online here about myself. Not really, but the things I've learned were quite eye opening. Dr. Savage explains it like this, in our stories, there is a subconscious trying to get out. What we say, and how we say it, has a meta-story, or a story inside the story. For example, a girl was telling him about a dream she had when she was younger, about driving with her dad up the mountain in their car, and was always so scared that they would get to the top, and get stuck and there would be no way down the other side.
So the metaphor to this story is, "get stuck on the top, and noway down".... what does that mean in your life? Is there something you are fearful of trying or doing, not knowing how it will turn out? Or what will happen once that leap is taken?

A simple example, but very powerful as I learn to listen to people and their stories in the hospital. Ways you can dive into conversation, open up emotions and allow someone the ability to discover for themselves their own story... inside their story.

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after I posted the above, I posted the following on a fellow brothers site. This is a great example of a meta-story.
I don't even want to write this, b/c it will mean I will have to go through with it. But what I struggle to give up is diet coke. The lifeblood of my day. And in return I would drink water. But the implication of this "sacrifice" is that I am flushing my body of impurities and filling it with what I need. Much like my spiritual walk. There is so much "filth, and dark water" taking up the space where the "living water" should dwell". So there you have it, brother. I will give up DietCoke for Lent, and pray over these next few weeks leading up to Easter for that renewal to take place in my heart as well.

Oh it's a Monday

Today I visited with a brother who I had seen twice before. This time was a little different though, as he was laying in his bed, not sitting by the window. Not sure what has put him in bed, the nurse, the doctor, his daughters... the cancer? But he looked tired. He still wanted to talk though. An elderly man, a lawyer, and someone concerned with the direction of the Christian faith. Not through politics and government, but something that should be shared by our hands, touching those in need and those hurting. We are not meant to go grow the church, but to minister to the poor, the sick, the helpless. Jesus did not spend his time inviting people to church, but touching them in ways noone has ever touched before. We are the hands of Christ. Today, this kind man talked about how lately he has realized the warmth of hands, and the life that is in them. I could sense his thoughts of mortality beginning to vocalize, and listened hard. He was proud of me, and said that I was a good Christian man. He said he is sad. Sad to see the world in the shape it is, and I assume, sad that there isn't much more he is able to do. So he reached up, grabbed both my hands, and said see the warmth, feel it? Life continues. It will continue in you. I prayed with him. And thanked God for his life, and the blessing he has meant to me in this very moment. Honored by the kind words, and the affirmation of my life now. And feeling the warmth of life in the love of a Christian brother.